Was going to type up another depressing entry but lol nope I feel better now after rolling around for a bit

I spent a good extended weekend at home. Tried some nice Swedish-German food. Hung out with family. Sorted out my bookshelf (mm yes good).

And I met up with an online friend for the first time ever, YUP. She's rather wonderful! We probably don't have THAT much in common -- other than a penchant for slashfic, spending time on Tumblr, and loads of excitement over The Avengers. In more ways we're kind of polar opposites :'D She's more talkative and less socially awkward than me, for instance (and definitely more well-adjusted, in a slightly crazy way)

There's just something about a near-stranger being so infinitely nice to me that makes me want to weep a little, to be honest. We're meeting up for Avengers at the end of the month AND I'VE BEEN PROMISED HOMEMADE CUPCAKES. VERY EXCITING.

In other news, the crippling sense of depression has yet to return since the last time I updated. Maybe because I've invested myself into a new fandom, and shiny new fandoms make me less sad (and quite happy too, come to think of it). Instead of weeping about my own pathetic existence, I weep about the lives of Star Trek characters. Right now I'm trawling through over 40 years of Star Trek TV episodes and films and novelisations and it's just a bit overwhelming sometimes, how wonderful and timeless this franchise is. Ugh the Original Series cast owns my fucking heart and I've lost count of the number of times I've rewatched the 2009 film just to cheer myself up.

ngh, no wonder people think I'm weird.

My family are driving over tomorrow to check up on me :| (because apparently calling your mother while crying like an overflowing tap is considered disturbing behaviour)

I will have to talk to them

which is not something I want to do

but sigh

"Talking" to my mom made it worse. (she was doing most of the talking. It didn't make me feel any better.)

The uni counselor asked for my name and number when I called him?? I don't even know where his office is, honestly. Somewhere near the cafeteria, I think.

There's a hospital seminar on Thalassemia tomorrow but I think I'll probably oversleep.

It's just

the feeling that I'm not fitting in any better over here in university. I can't talk to anyone. I'm average at best, academic-wise. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. All I look forward to is returning to my room -- if it can be called mine, this bare space with its minimal of comforts.

And at the same time, I feel myself drifting away from what was once home. I barely talk to family anymore. Even if I do call them, I run out of things to say. I can't express myself, tell them of my troubles. If you can't even talk to your mother about your life, who else is left? I want to tell her about this ever-increasing sadness I find myself drifting off into, about the kid in the coma we saw at the hospital, about the loneliness I feel and the frustration that is my so-called friends. But as soon as I pick up the phone, I can't seem to find the words. I put off calling for as long as I can, and when I do either no one picks up (my family have a life now that doesn't involve me, I realise) or the conversation is short and meaningless.

And when I do return home every once in a while, it's not the same anymore. Home isn't home. I do it in short bursts, anyway, so it doesn't matter because I'm only there for a few days. It's just a house where my parents and siblings live, where I can get fast Internet and free food, but that's about it. There's no warmth, not like before. I no longer have my own bedroom to return to.

I don't belong anywhere. I don't fit in.

- leftover rice
- sausages
- diced tomato
- egg
- chili sauce
- ketchup
- chicken stock

- dump in pan and fry
- eat

Yeah, I have to cook for myself now. Which is a bit weird after two years of living on cafeteria food.

I've been very tired lately. I'd blame it on the blood donation I did a few days ago, but I think I'm probably always this tired. We've got bedside exams in a week! I'm probably stuck with a hospital surgeon as my examiner -- terrible luck, because hospital staff have entirely different teaching methods compared to the uni lecturers. Ah, well.

I'm really excited for Doctor Who and Merlin tonight :D :D